My Memoir: Fragments of a Puzzle

I’ve been writing on a memoire all through 2019 and now into 2020. The task has been more difficult than I imagined when I started going through my notes taken over the forty-seven years I’ve been married to my second wife. The problem is not a lack of data, but of too much. There have been too many sideroads explored, and too many things undertaken, all of them important and all of them proving either useful or enlightening.

Well, most of them useful or enlightening. Not the death threats we received in Louisiana, and not the cancer, and definitely not the heartache of lost friends and family. No, the problem was where to begin and what path to follow through a life that has been richer and more rewarding that I ever had a right to expect. It is that search for love that powers an intentional life. There are principles governing how this works that I would like to share.

My first marriage was friendly and, though not without its problems, ended without permanent rancor. There was love, but not yet the kind of love that I was to discover in my second marriage. This love has been growing over all forty-seven years and promises to continue until death do us part and beyond. That’s because love is only the symbol standing for the search for the meaning of life.

There are three ancient qualities that describe in simplistic terms some of what this is about. I wrote a short verse about this not too long ago.

 Blood is the song of every living being.
Loyalty is for finding the truth in every seeing.
Honor is what brings all this meaning.

When you are young, there is a tendency to believe that love should be easy if it is true love. Blood is only for family, and loyalty is what is convenient. Honor is an action governed by the opinions others have of ourselves. About the time that this seems to be an obvious fact, you probably discover that love is anything but easy. The problems are thorny and may require more maturity that you possess. If you are ready to receive the message, you don’t linger in this state for very long. If your luck holds, you feel the utter humiliation of discovering who you really are and begin to appreciate what Blood, Loyalty, and Honor will require of you. One day you look in the mirror and see that your life must change in a way that you never anticipated. If you are not ready to receive the message, you may spend years clambering through the ruins of your life searching for some one or some thing to blame.

To move on you will have to accept that you have been applying the same formula to challenges that have a different meaning now than they did twenty years ago. Success requires a completely different point of view. Things which were appropriate for the sake of survival in your twenties are no longer appropriate in your forties. What was once important has now become the bait in a trap you had no idea was lying in wait for you. You were about to set foot on the trigger and chain yourself to endless repetition. You begin to see that the rest of life suddenly acquires a different significance and requires new rules.

These life changes don’t always happen quickly, and for many, unless they find a guide, they never happen at all. They require you to acquire vast patience, many failures, and a much deeper understanding of what is happening to you than you are prepared to admit at the time. It helps enormously if you have the right life partner for one particular reason. An interactive mirror is better than the one hanging in your bathroom, one that is most likely spattered with bits of personal toothpaste. I want to refer to a principle that I developed that helped me over the years and might help you see what the future terrain looks like.

We move towards love, and love is for the imperfect. That is a basic intention of life. Without separating imperfection from chaos, there would be no life. Love brings an order to relationships that recognizes the eternal nature of imperfection. Without the recognition of imperfection, life could not be described in the presence of chaos. Perfection is the ultimate product of chaos, for all things chaotic tend toward the lowest order in the non-living.

Chaos is not imperfection. Imperfection is something that awaits intention. This at the heart of understanding duality and finding love.

Imperfection and intention are organizing principles in the field of time. A time passes, imperfections form signposts along the path of intentions. It’s how any living being seems to move through time from one point to another. This is ultimately the reason we exist as we are. It is the meaning of evolution.

I understand that this will be highly confusing to some, but it is the unassailable truth. Don’t make this mistake, though. Intention is merely my technical term for direction. I’m not referring to a Supreme Initiator, but only to what seems to be the irresistible tick of our clock. We only see a series of snapshots of this change. We cannot directly sense this quality. Imagine it to be like the projection of a film. We cannot see between the frames even though that interval in time is where all things of importance take place. When we are young we see intention as a series of decisions we think we are making, but as we get more experienced, we can see intentions as more like a direction that we travel to meet with imperfections in life. And that is another way of saying searching for love.

From time to time, I hope you join me in expanding the meaning of Blood, Loyalty, and Honor as a way of seeing the field of action in which we exist. It is this field where we search for love and formulate a meaning for life. I will examine what an intention is and and how it is a part of the duality implied in the rules we hold to govern a proper life. I believe this to be the key to so many of life’s conflicts. Hopefully I can show you more about how these terms are often distorted in ways designed to lead us astray from the central idea of the union of all life. In between these “frames” everyday examples will appear, for there are no observations we can make in life that do not fall within the realm of these principles.

Charles Frenzel on February 10, 2020.

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